The Dorito Chronicles

Lulu: 18 Months

2010-11-12T05:49:00.000-08:00

Lulu,

I feel a little bad that I haven't kept up with these letters, or this blog. But I have a good reason, it's because I've been too busy having fun with you. I think it's probably time to admit this blog is over, time to print out the pages and set them aside for when, maybe, you are one day pregnant and wondering what it was like for old mom.

Your 18-month-old self is so much FUN. You don't walk, you run. You don't giggle, you guffaw. You have so many hugs and kisses to give, it's overwhelming. My poor heart. I love you so.

At 1.5 years of age, you are still really into Elmo and Sesame Street in general. No other TV show really gets your attention. Your favorite books are Olivia and Madeline. You say Olivia "Oliliya" and Madeline "Mamamamine". You would happily listen to me read them several times a day, and I usually do.

Your favorite foods are unpredictable. You still adore cheese with every fiber of your tiny being. It was one of your first words, cheese. You love fruit and like to hold the whole banana and take huge bites. You like peanut butter and jelly sandwiches cut into strips, which you eat daintily like they are small cobs of corn.

You are just cutting your 16th tooth, meaning you cut 12 teeth in the 6 months since your first birthday. This has been rough but you've been a good sport. Your teeth are tiny and straight and perfect. You love having them and being able to eat crunchy things like tortilla chips.

You love to close doors and then knock on them, saying "knock knock knock!" When you say mama it's with a sweet smile and always "ma ma ma". Your current favorite activity is to collect rocks and then drop them in the lake, one by one. When I throw a big rock out in to the water, you clap for me every time.

My favorite word to hear you say is "more." You always say it like it's a question and I'm determined to record it. You said it the most when we're at the park and you want to go down the slide again. More? More? More? Then you figured out how to climb up there on your own. One more time you don't need me to do something for you. I need to get used to that.

You're gorgeous. I know everyone thinks their child is secretly the prettiest, but come on. I love you so much and I wonder if this heart swelling, catching of breath feeling that I've had in my chest since the second you were born will ever go away. I hope not.

love,

Mamama

Fall.

2009-11-02T06:21:00.001-08:00

My darling, darling girl. It's November now, the month you turn 6-months-old. How we could possibly be in November already is unfathomable to me. I swear we just brought you home from the hospital, so tiny but so mighty. Those first few days, when I could only go 45 minutes between feeding you and quite honestly went out of my brain with exhaustion, seem both miles away and like they were just yesterday.

You are such a big girl now. Still petite but so strong and fun and seriously a joy. Every day your dad and I marvel at what a delight you are. You rarely cry, you laugh all the time, and your personality is just infectious. I can't get enough of you and I miss you so much while I'm at work every day.

I regret not writing more during these first six months, but honestly any free time I could devote to writing is time I could be spending with you. It's been really hard on me, being away from you every day. Even though you are in such good hands with your dad and your grandmother, I hate not being there. The good news is, when I come get you at Meno and ChuChu's house every day I am greeted with the most amazing, huge smile and you reaching your little arms out to me. You cling to me like a little monkey and nustle your head into my neck, breathing me in. My whole body relaxes and I could just eat you up, I love you so.

Speaking of monkey, you were a sock monkey for your first Halloween. You didn't really get it but as usual you were a great sport during yet another photo session. We already have so many photos of you that I'm glad we have a second hard drive. You are just such a gorgeous thing that I can't help but take a million pictures of you! Sometimes I catch myself sitting at my desk looking at all of them again.

Right now you are really into grabbing any and everything with your hands and shoving it into your mouth. You sit in your exersaucer and stretch your little neck so you can taste all of the different toys. Your sweet mouth and little tongue kill me.

You also really love things that crackle and crunch, like the cellophane pages in your favorite cloth book. However, you did NOT like being put into a leaf pile. Maybe next year.

At night we get into bed together and you scootch yourself over against me and start cooing and chirping your little song. We read Goodnight Moon and you nurse and you pat my chest while you eat. As you drift off to sleep you get all sweaty and rosey and I don't want to be anywhere else in the world. I love you, little girl. I hope you know that by now.

Two weeks and change.

2009-05-28T16:38:00.001-07:00

You are so delicious.

Your mouth is just like mine and I can't stop looking at you. You make the best faces, asleep or awake.

You make tiny piglet grunty noises when you are hungry. You try to latch onto my cheek and I die from cuteness.

All of your newborn clothes are too big on you with the exception of some expensive designer baby clothes that were gifts. I feel like this justifies expensive designer baby clothes all of the sudden.

You are just so tiny, such miniature perfection.

I knew, having a daughter, that I would one day face the fact that I am now old and that you are much prettier than I am. Silly me thought that day was in the future but you are so pretty. Your skin and your perfect rosebud face and everything about you already puts me to shame. I can't begin to compete and I really don't care to.

I'm just so amazed that I even get to take credit for you.

My labor story.

2009-05-20T06:32:00.000-07:00

Monday found me going to my 38 week OB appointment as planned. I was scheduled to get another ultrasound to make sure that the baby was growing properly, since she was measuring on the small side at 36 weeks. I literally didn't think that having the baby any time soon was an option--everyone loved to tell me about how late they went with their first baby.

Ha. Haha.

Well, not only was the baby still a bit smaller than they would like, my amniotic fluid was low, earning me a first class ticket to the labor and delivery ward. My OB kindly gave us an hour to go home and make some arrangements.

After coming home to pack our bags and eat a quick lunch of burritos, we head to the labor and delivery ward. I had already filled out my admission paperwork, so we were checked in within minutes. We're directed to our room where we just kind of hang out for a half hour or so. It feels strangely like a hotel. Eventually, the nurse comes in, gives me a gown, and gets me strapped in to the monitors and hooked up to the saline IV that I'll be getting overnight. My doctor stops in to tell me that she has another option for me--originally my options were get fluids overnight and IF my amniotic levels go up, go on bed rest for two days to wait for natural labor, then get induced, OR get induced in the morning if the levels are the same. She said I could try Cervadil, a string that they put up in there that is infused with prostaglandin, the hormone that ripens your cervix. In most women it has a 20% chance of starting labor, but because I was already dilated to 2cm and 80% effaced she said that she would put my chances at 50-60%. I was all for this as it's a much less invasive way to get things going, so they put in the Cervadil. It stays in for 12 hours. Chris runs out to feed Buster and pick up soup from Panera, since I won't be allowed to eat after midnight. He also gets the DVD player and we watch episodes of The Office for a while.

That night I had an awful time sleeping because Lulu was moving a lot and the monitors kept losing her, setting off an alarm. Plus, the bed was just uncomfortable and I was pretty anxious. Around 2am I started noticing mild contractions, like menstrual cramps. The nurse gave me Ambien to try and get me to sleep, which helped a little. I still barely slept, which became a factor the next day.

The next morning, I had dilated to 3 and was having more regular contractions. My doctor told me that she was 98% sure that if she broke my water I would go into more serious labor. So, she broke my water, which didn't amount to much because my levels were still low in spite of the saline (saline I lugged around for days but seem to have lost now, thank you very much). Within an hour my contractions got more intense, but were still bearable. I kind of let them wash over me and breathed through them. Because I was trying to go natural as long as possible, they agreed to let me off the monitors for 45 minutes out of every hour. I paced around and ate popsicles and huffed and puffed. This whole stage of labor tastes like grape popsicles to me. They offered me a birthing ball and sitting on that for 45 minutes made me dilate two more cm. At this point I'm at 6cm and it's getting really fucking intense. Because I am so tired I'm having trouble controlling my breathing and I keep hyperventilating. There is a period when every time a contraction ends I say "it just feels so good when they stop". The contractions are not peaks and valleys but are long plateaus, the longest ones lasting well over 3 minutes, with just seconds in between. When I reach 8cm my hands went numb and I cried uncle and said bring on the fucking epidural.

Getting the epidural sucked because my contractions were still nonstop but I had to be really still. Once it kicked in, though, I felt like a million bucks. In retrospect, I likely would not have made it through pushing if I had stayed natural because I was just so exhausted. I felt so good now that I was just chatting about recipes and stuff. My OB came in to check me and said I seemed to be just about ready. While she was doing the cervical exam, she had me do a practice push and the baby moved forward the last three inches all in one go. Suddenly it was Time To Have The Baby and the room sprung into action.

The only real negative thing about the epidural is not really knowing how to push. I just kind of squeezed and concentrated my effort the best I could. I had a nurse on one leg, Chris on the other, and my mom supporting my shoulders. Even though it didn't hurt at all pushing was REALLY fucking hard work for me. I was still so exhausted from the night before and the day's labor. Regardless, after only 45 minutes of pushing, she was Right There and I just needed a couple of really strong pushes to get her out. Here is where I did something I never thought I'd do, I asked for the mirror. My OB told me if I could just see how close she was I would find the strength to push that much longer. So in comes the mirror and I can see a good three inches of the top of her head and her wavy hair. At this point I thought her head was abnormally small and actually thought "I will love her in spite of her pinhead". My mom thought the same thing. Once the mirror was in the room I only pushed two more times and she was here! It was actually really neat to watch, and I was so distracted by the baby that I didn't see the placenta being delivered. My mom did, though, and really wishes she didn't. I will say that I wish they had removed the mirror while they cleaned/stitched me up, but it was easy to ignore because hello, baby.

My doctor worked really hard to keep me from tearing, massaging literally a whole bottle of astroglide around my perineum during labor. Because of this I only had a small tear that didn't go into the muscle and required one stitch. I am SO thankful that she is anti-episiotomy and all about preserving the integrity of my vagina. TMI once again, but it's so true. Because of her patience I didn't have any bruising and I'm feeling pretty good by now.

I'm so happy that I still got a mostly natural labor and didn't have to get the Pitocin. So happy. Even though the situation was not my complete ideal I don't think it could have gone better. Plus, in the end I got to take home an awesome, good-smelling, incredibly sweet and adorable baby.

She's here!

2009-05-20T06:29:00.000-07:00

Lucille "Lulu" Marie Canada. 5 lb. 9 oz. of awesome.

The Little Peanut.

2009-05-05T12:15:00.000-07:00

This is what my OB has taken to calling you. You're a wee thing, but oh so fiesty. And you are moving right on down and getting settled in my pelvic area. It's taken the pressure off my poor stomach and lungs but OH MY GOD. My poor bladder!

36.5 weeks

2009-04-30T12:01:00.000-07:00

Oof, would you take a look at that belly. Here we are, just a day from being considered full term. I can't believe it. While I know that most likely I am still going to be pregnant for another 3-4 weeks, it's still thrilling to know that you're basically in the clear to come along any time now.

We had our 36 week ultrasound at the beginning of this week and it was so cool to see how much you've grown. To see your fat little hands and your long, strong leg bones and your heart beating away. You got the hiccups and if I was more tech-savvy I would insert the video here, because it's pretty damn cute. You're also pretty damn tiny. You are on the petite side, but your father and I were both pretty small babies so it's not entirely surprising. As long as you keep growing, you're in good shape. And apparently your powerful kicks and endless hiccups are good signs that you are in fact petite, and not malnourished or something. I am such a perfectionistic hostess, I couldn't bear it if you weren't having a good time in there.

You are still kicking and twisting and moving as much as ever. You are head down and in the right position and I'm just so PLEASED with you right now! Yes, I'm tired. I'm so tired that it makes me a little weepy, and also our air conditioner is broken and that's an unpleasant adult thing to have to deal with. But regardless, no matter that being pregnant is starting to lose it's charm, I just can't wait to meet you. I never thought I would enjoy being pregnant so much and I have to owe some of that to you. You've been a charming little partner in crime and I just can't wait to see your face and those fat little hands in person.

Maternity fashion, week 36.

2009-04-21T06:26:00.000-07:00

4-21-09 by mariannecanada on Polyvore.com

Tiny clothes, tiny diapers.

2009-04-14T05:58:00.000-07:00

Dude, your room! How cute is your room? This will likely be a pretty boring entry but I really want to document some sources before I forget where I got things or what I did here. First of all, that adorable rug is from Ikea and was a complete steal. Buster loves it most of all. The Eames-knockoff rocker is from eBay and is really uncomfortable. I'll probably sell it on Craigslist but for now it looks great with an Ikea sheepskin on it.

The crib is another Ikea bargain ($99!), and I love the simplicity of it, and that it isn't a massive hunk of furniture. The artwork comes from your talented aunt Helen, who also helped me make the mobile. More on the mobile in a second. The hippo joins us from Ikea and I think I'll name her Penelope.

Dwell Target bird sheets, a family heirloom quilt (in grey, purple, and pink--how on trend are these colors on a really old quilt? very nice!), a super soft receiving blanket, and a felted "lovey" blanket.

Helen and I made the mobile--she made tons and tons of these paper flowers for an art installation. We strung the small ones on fishing wire with a bead and hung them from embroidery hoops. I love how this turned out, especially since some of the paper mobiles I was admiring were over $80!

Now I think Helen and I should go into business with these babies.

You don't have a lot of toys yet, but I have to say the stuff you have is incredible nice. Here we have a Steiff teddy bear that my dad gave me years and years ago, a knit BlahBlah doll from your great-great-Aunt Angie, and an organic cotton peapod toy. The yellow bin I already had and the toy chest is from, where else? Ikea.

Strawberry print from the ever-talented Helen.

Dwell Target glider purchased to replace uncomfortable, but very stylish, Eames shell rocker. This glider is great and seems to be really well made. Thrifted Russian table, thrifted lamp and Ikea lampshade. The quilt was a shower gift from my grandmother.

If you have to deal with poop, it might as well be a cute set-up, right? Ikea changing table. Vintage flour sack changing pad cover (I know this will get dirty immediately, I have a whole stack of them in various patterns). Diaper pail (read: trashcan) from Target with Whammies waterproof pail liner from Cutie Tooties. Baskets from Target; diapers, wipes, and other supplies from Cutie Tooties. Large pink print from Helen.

I love this collection of teeny art! "Spring" tin sign from anthropologie, Ichabod and Susannah paintings and Hawaiian "sisters" chalk drawing collected over the years. Mini woodblock art from my other talented sister Sara Kate.

Turn your nose up at cloth diapering if you must, but they are really cute.

Speaking of cute, teeny clothes! Everything for 0-3 months is organized, washed and folded.

It's satisfying to see all of this tiny cuteness in one place.

My mom brought over some clothes she save from when I was little, and this vintage hanger was in the bag. This picture isn't the best, but it has bunnies on it.

So, I decided to use one of your frocks to decorate your closet. This is from Boden by way of eBay.

AH! Someone is having a girl.

I love the way this bookshelf area turned out. Vintage bookshelves I've had forever.

I picked up some great Charley Harper stuff from Old Navy last year--board books, a coloring book, and some games. We've also been given some classics.

One of Chris' students gave us the teensy Vans, they kill me. The giraffe teether is from France (via Cutie Tooties), and the letter "L" from eBay.

Paper cut-out from Etsy.

Nashville Puppet Festival print from my friend Emily. I guess that's pretty much everything! We are waiting on the frames for two more prints to hang over the dresser, so I haven't shown that side of the room yet. But otherwise, everything is ready, we just need to add a baby!

34 weeks

2009-04-13T09:27:00.000-07:00

First of all, this:

Most of the nasty things people have been promising these last few weeks would bring seem to be true. The heartburn that makes me (try to) sleep sitting up, having to pee more than EVER, tiredness that stems from either the lack of sleep or increasingly unweildy body, UGH. And you show no sign of calming down, or sleeping more often, or having movements that are more gentle and rolling since you're running out of room. No, you seem hellbent on damaging my internal organs 24 hours a day.

In cuter news, I can see your feet when you stretch out across my abdomen. You can feel me when I press on these little feet, you jerk them away and then kick back out again. It's cute, even though it hurts.

Also cute? Your nursery. Oh man, this room is cute. I think it's my favorite room in the house.

I'll have to do a more complete nursery post soon, because it's seriously ridiculous in there. So bright and cheerful and fun.

32 weeks

2009-03-27T10:11:00.000-07:00

You made my OB laugh yesterday. She pressed lightly on one side of my belly and you immediately kicked back--hard. She chuckled and tried the other side with the same results. Then you kicked the fetal doppler once, twice, three times. You are not a child that likes your space infringed upon, it seems.

Like I didn't know this. Like you don't kick me--hard--if I lean over, or wear pants that are too tight, or lay on a side you find unacceptable. Like you don't love to press against my poor ribcage until it literally feels bruised!

I complain, but I really love that you are so strong. That you impress even my doctor, who pressed on pregnant bellies all day. That you are growing ridiculously, measuring over 33 weeks this week. I know most first time mothers go past their due date but you just seem to be so anxious to get out and stretch those long Farmer legs, it makes me wonder.

Just please, stop trying to get out via my belly button. Not only does it feel so weird that it wakes me up in the night, gasping, it's just not medically advised.

Updated belly pictures to come...

Baby shower #1

2009-03-19T07:18:00.000-07:00

My mother, sisters, and sister-in-law threw me a lovely baby shower and invited all of the wonderful ladies in my family. It was such a wonderful afternoon and I'm so touched by the thoughtful gifts!

These are the hostess gifts I brought:
I wanted to keep one for myself but I'm really trying to be less selfish. It's hard.

The decorations were just too cute, featuring mounds of paper roses that my sister Helen made (and later we fashioned into a fantastic mobile, more on that to come):

We had a great crowd to enjoy delicious food and drinks:

And really, I got such lovely gifts!

Overall, a delightful afternoon and I'm just so touched by everyones support and love. What a wonderful family I have.

So now we've got that out of the way.

2009-03-17T13:10:00.000-07:00

I've been wondering if I would have my very own trip-to-labor-and-delivery-for-no-reason story, and now the wait is over. Little one, last week...last week was not good. I am not sleeping, still, and my 30-weeks pregnant body is now pumping 45% more blood than before. 45%! That is really quite a lot of extra blood, my goodness.

So anyway, this extra blood has my heart working extra hard and has apparently brought to the forefront a very, extremely mild arrhythmia. My heart just kind of skips a beat occasionally and then POUNDS for a little while afterwards. This is also, not surprisingly, aggravated by getting NO FREAKING SLEEP. Ahem.

So last Thursday, the pounding was really getting to me, and it took even less than usual for me to feel completely short of breath. By Friday morning I figured I might as well give my OB a call, just because I've had it drilled into my head that it is ALWAYS better to call. Imagine my shock when my normally laid-back OB does not tell me to just go home, get some rest, lay on my side, and drink water, which was what I was expecting. No, she calmly but firmly tells me to drive myself straight to Labor & Delivery where they will be waiting to hook me up to monitors and give me an EKG.

Honestly, it took me aback.

So I did as I was told (making a 5 minute detour to pick up Chris) and lickedy spilt found myself in a gown and bed in L&D triage. Everyone was SO nice and the hospital was really quiet because no one was scheduling things on Friday the 13th. As expected, there was nothing seriously wrong, just the little blip on the EKG but nothing that can hurt me or the baby. I was sent home and finally told to get some rest and stay off my feet for the day. Happy to oblige.

Maternity fashion, week 30.

2009-03-12T05:45:00.000-07:00

My favorite outfit this week:

3-10-09 - by mariannecanada on Polyvore.com

The rest of the week has been a blur of ill-fitting sweaters and schlubby t-shirt and hoodie combinations. I am not sleeping and so uncomfortable and really it's a wonder that I made it in to work at all.

Kick Count

2009-03-11T07:40:00.000-07:00

So, these days I am supposed to take some time and count your kicks. To make sure you're moving enough and all that. I find this adorable--I picture a glowing pregnant lady, hands gently clutching her protruding stomach, as she goes, "Ooh! There's one! I think that's another one..." counting these sporadic movements.

Sporadic. Ha.

I would do better to count when you aren't moving. The handful of times a day you are not finding new ways to make me aware of my anatomy. Currently I am sore from your new game of wodging yourself on my right side, using your toes (I think) to gain purchase under my ribs and banging your...head? Shoulders? Against my hip bone. When I lie on my side, as is dictated by every resource out there, you press so hard against the side of my stomach that the skin feels impossibly thin against my mattress. When I read at night I can't perch my book on top of my stomach because you are too busy practicing for your debut on Dancing With The Stars. I think you're doing the Rumba.

I am comforted by your movement, even though I swear sometimes I'm harboring some kind of weasel rather than a baby girl. Even when I wake up 11 TIMES IN ONE NIGHT to pee a dribble of urine, because you are doing something impossible to my bladder. It seems to me that from the day I started feeling you move you've been dissatisfied with your accommodations and you want to get out. I understand. Just sit tight for 8-10 more weeks and then this whole great big world? It's all yours, kid.

Nursery progress.

2009-03-09T06:13:00.000-07:00

I made an epic journey to Ikea with my mom and sisters and got all sorts of goodies. So in the past few weeks the work on the nursery has begun in earnest. We are painting the room a very vivid green with bright white trim:

Your aunt Helen has provided some of her amazing and fun artwork (it is fuzzy with flocking and glitter!):

And Buster is in love with the new rug:

There is so much more to come--a new glider, a crib, more art, a homemade mobile, and wait until you see the goodies from the first baby shower!

29 weeks

2009-03-06T06:30:00.001-08:00

You had QUITE the growth spurt, missy. In fact, my belly grew 5 inches since last month's appointment, even though I didn't grow (in pounds) at all. Look at you!
This month's appointment also featured the oh-so-fun blood glucose test. Sucking down a sticky sweet orange drink on an empty stomach, then giving three big vials of blood--fun! I felt like hot garbage afterwards so your dad took me to Cracker Barrel for fortification. I still didn't feel quite right for the rest of the day.

COOKIE.

2009-03-02T09:15:00.003-08:00

Today is Girl Scout Cookie day. I can't tell for sure, but I think you're excited. Me? I'm just glad I am getting these BEFORE my glucose screening test on Thursday. Ha.

Third what?

2009-02-23T06:53:00.000-08:00

Third trimester? What? How? How can I simultaneously feel as though I have been pregnant forever (seriously, am I an elephant?), yet at the same time feel bewildered that we're this far along in the game?

27 weeks. Your due date is exactly 3 months from today. Holy crap, I need to go organize something. Much to your father's chagrin, the nesting phase has already hit and he is having to do the brunt of the work. We're painting, moving furniture, assembling things. Notice I said "we". Isn't that adorable?

In my defense, I was quite productive this weekend. I decided that our chest freezer needed filling in preparation for the final days of massive pregnancy that await. And so, I put away 3 chicken and rice dishes, 2 lasagnas, and 2 ziplocs of beef stew this weekend. I find it calming, having a freezer full of food. I hope to have a couple more of these marathon cooking weekends in the coming weeks. It's hard to decide what to make because it's hard to predict what I'll find suitable to eat, but I must persevere.

Misery and a lesson.

2009-02-19T09:28:00.000-08:00

This is turning out to be a Bad Week. Bad, bad, bad. Rife with a sinus infection (for which I was finally prescribed blessed antibiotics), random and shocking joint pain, insomnia, appetite issues. It's just such an altogether bad week that I don't think it will even do me any good to elaborate.

But here is a quick life lesson from old m-o-m. February, in East Tennessee, is still winter. WINTER. In winter, we do not wear flip flops, shorts, tiny sheer sundresses (maybe we never wear these, ever). Even when the temperature soars into the relatively balmy 50's and 60's, we stick to our lighter weight but still seasonally appropriate clothing. March is right around the corner, and with it the beginning of spring for real. Getting caught in 37 degree weather wearing sandals, short sleeves, and capri pants just makes you look foolish.

I'll be back this weekend with tales of assembling Ikea furniture and hopefully a return to good cheer and health.

Your first Valentine.

2009-02-15T09:35:00.000-08:00

Your dad is a BIG softy.

24 weeks.

2009-02-05T06:27:00.000-08:00

A semi-artistic belly shot, courtesy of your father:

Note the bit of snow on the ground outside. It's been frigid here for the past few days, cold enough that the snow we got has not melted yet. This never really happens and people here are just not able to deal with this cold weather. This must be how people that live in the extreme north feel in the midst of a heat wave. While I used to be able to tolerate the cold when I lived in New York, I've totally lost my chops and find myself without even a really warm coat or a pair of decent gloves this winter.

Anyway, I had my 24-week appointment yesterday and everything went perfectly. I'm measuring 24 inches at 24 weeks, you clever thing, and in spite of continued slow weight gain (3 pounds this time for an overall total of 7 pounds for the entire pregnancy), you are growing like a champ. And moving ever more. This was a pretty breezy appointment, pee in a cup, get weighed, listen to your rockin' heartbeat, and the measuring. Next month I get to do the oh-so-fun glucose test for gestational diabetes. Exciting.

In actual exciting news, I'm headed down to the Atlanta/Athens area this weekend with my mom (your grandmother Meno) and sister (Aunt Sara Kate), to hit up Ikea and see where my baby sister (Aunt Helen) is living. We'll be getting all sorts of goodies for you, most importantly your crib. I'm already planning to take Monday off to help put things together and I'm so excited. Nothing but the finest inexpensive Swedish prefabricated furniture for you, my love.

Status updates.

2009-02-02T08:34:00.000-08:00

Belly: Getting bigger every day, I fear. No stretch marks or dark line yet.
Hands/feet: No swelling at all yet, rings and shoes still fitting.
Hips: Achy but still able to get into regular jeans (I didn't say I could zip them more than halfway, though).
Knees: Achy and cracking/popping alarmingly.
Boobs: Wowser. Getting bigger and some light stretch marks. They feel very heavy. Down to two bras that fit comfortably.
Digestion: I can suddenly eat salad again without gastric distress, so that's nice. I'm not overdoing it, though. I've had two really unpleasant boughts of heartburn in the past week that Tums didn't touch.
Sleep: Difficult. I'm restless and can't get comfortable.
Bladder: The size of a large walnut. Peeing every half an hour, I swear.
Mood: Generally really good.
Skin: I hesitate to even tempt fate by mentioning this, but my skin is not as putrid as it was for the first, oh, five months of pregnancy. I'm down to maybe one or two new small pimples a week, versus a new painful deep zit every freaking DAY. I've switched from the million dollar Dr. Hauschka Normalizing Day Oil to the BILLION dollar Light Rose Day Cream and Toner and I think it's helping. Fingers crossed.

24 week appointment this week, and a new belly picture to come, plus nursery updates!

Strong.

2009-01-22T06:42:00.001-08:00

These are not the kicks I imagined. The lazy, languid nudges from a baby simply stretching out within the roomy (for now) confines of my womb. Oh no. You, my dear, are strong. You kick and punch and elbow with a force that surprises me. Everything I'm reading says you are just about one pound and the size of a doll but you have such STRENGTH.

Last night I laid in bed and felt you travel from one side to the other. Again and again. You seemed bored, even restless. I know that it's silly to attribute such complex emotions to you but I can't help but feel I've got one willfull little girl in there. With curly hair and her father's green eyes and an unusual capacity for mischief. Only time will tell but I can tell you this--it's only going to get more crowded in there until it's time for you to come out. And oh my, I can't wait to see you stretch your legs out in the world.

What?

2009-01-21T06:36:00.000-08:00

This morning, in celebration of the dawning of a new political regime in the US, I threw up in the sink while brushing my teeth. Twice. Then the car door was frozen shut, and really it's remarkable that I made it to work at all, much less 10 minutes late.

Hmph.

My sweet girl.

2009-01-20T07:33:00.000-08:00

There is a lot to be scared about right now. We are still in an unjust war; new, horrible conflicts are starting (or re-starting); our economy is in a shambles; our environment is perched on the edge of ruin. But today? Today millions of people are witness to change. While one man cannot fix the problems of this country alone, the hope that he inspires is a catalyst. And so, while it is a scary time to bring a precious new life into the world, it is also a really exciting time to be alive. I am so glad you get to be a part of this.

So far today...

2009-01-14T08:27:00.000-08:00

...I have had to pee 4 times. It's barely 11 o'clock. From what I can tell you are currently practicing your rythmic gymnastic routine on my bladder. Never in my life have I been so aware of my bladder and where it is in my body and what it feels like to have it KICKED by something roughly the size of a Barbie doll.

Not that you aren't adorable and that I don't love ever kick. I am just very AWARE of you today. According to the various websites you are weighing in around one pound now (go you!) and a think all of that weight is focused on my bladder.

On belly buttons and parties.

2009-01-12T06:45:00.000-08:00

Two quick notes:

1. The landscape of my belly button is changing, and I can't stop fiddling with it. It's become a shallow, smooth basin, the wrinkles it's harbored for over 30 years suddenly smoothing out. It looks like a perfect swimming pool for an ant. I guess this means I'm on my way to that odd pregnancy belly button, flattened smooth or even popping out and showing through your shirt. Ew.

2. Such a social weekend, a benefit and two parties to go to, and now my hips hurt so badly I'm walking funny. I HATE to sit down at parties, I'm too restless and would almost always rather be on my feet. I need to learn to get over this, I fear, until the summer. Ow.

Friday night at the benefit you started kicking wildly when a drums started. I can see where this is going.

A day.

2009-01-09T05:45:00.000-08:00

7:00am
Alarm goes off, Buster starts thumping his tail against my leg. I get up, go to the bathroom, and go into the kitchen. Start to heat up water for my tea and feed Buster. Make some raisin toast, let Buster out, and sit in front of the computer. Do my makeup and eat my breakfast while catching up on some blogs. Time to get dressed, realize that I am going to need a couple more maternity things to get through winter if it's going to be this cold.

8:00am
Chris goes outside to start my car to let it heat up (awfully nice). I pack up some food to take to the office--yogurt and a banana for my second breakfast, an apple, a frozen organic mac and cheese, some string cheese, some turkey jerky. Go out to my thawed out car, realize that the gas is below empty. Crap. Stop for a quick $5 in gas and get gas on my shoe. Crap again. The sun is shining, it's been raining for weeks and it's still a surprise to have the sun in my face as I drive. The sun is watery and pale, you can really tell it's January. Still, I want to bask in it like a cat.

8:35am
Arrive at work miraculously only 5 minutes late, considering the gas debacle. Throw my lunch in the freezer and turn my computer on. Contemplate my yogurt.

9:00am-11:00am
Check emails, do some research, send in my timesheet, wage epic war against my vintage work computer. Eat a piece of cheese. Sadly you will find that a lot of my day revolves around food, whether I'm eating enough of it, and whether it's what I should eat. This is annoying, but necessary as you seem to be taking most of the vital nutrients. As well you should! You have a lot more going on, actually.

12:30pm-1:30pm
I brought my lunch today but was convinced by my newly pregnant (and ooky feeling) friend convinced me to go out. We had crappy delicious breadsticks and spaghetti and now I am a garlic hazard. I have to really think about what I am going to eat because apparently I will be tortured into tasting and retasting it for the rest of the day. Urp.

2:00pm
I'm trying to be clever and it's very hard. This can sum up my workday a lot of the time.

3:00pm
Am done being clever! Time for some paperwork. And a snack, some apple slices.

5:30pm
Flee to the car, drive home. NPR has been depressing me to literal tears lately so I've been listening to This American Life. Today's episode was about "Accidental Documentaries"; old tapes found in basements, thrift stores, etc. The first act was recordings of a family in the 60's that they sent to their son in medical school. The wife seemed so sad and the dad so detached. If nothing else I am thankful that you are being born into an age where fathers can and do show emotion and are connected to their families beyond being the breadwinner.

It's a Friday, and while I generally prefer to stay in and rest these days I have plans tonight. My best friend Alison is in town from London--other than your father she was the only one lucky enough to see your latest ultrasound! We're going to a benefit so it won't be a late night.
More to come...

Updates to the list...

2009-01-08T09:25:00.000-08:00

1. get better at sewing
~~2. choose some knitting projects for winter~~
3. update the food blog with my favorite freezable and make-ahead meals
4. learn how to use my camera on manual
5. walk through all of the Pioneer Woman Photoshop Lessons
~~6. have yard sale (one week from tomorrow)~~
~~7. finish eBaying clothes, shoes, and bags~~
~~8. take loads of things we don't need and can't sell to Goodwill~~
~~9. Simplify.~~

Well...someone has some work to do, especially with her camera. And really, the knitting project I chose is 19 rows of a very boring baby blanket that I then discarded. It's nice yarn, too. Hmm. And considering I haven't even updated the food blog with the news of my pregnancy, that's looking pretty pathetic, too.

The good news is I've eBayed tons of clothes, bags and shoes and made a nice chunk of money while I was at it. The garage sale was a success and paid half of our couch recovering costs. And I've taken lots to Goodwill, and have more bagged up and ready to go. These efforts all go towards my goal to simplify, as well as taking some time off from writing professionally.

Really all I am thinking about is decorating the nursery, so I guess that can get added to the list!

Picture: 20 weeks

2009-01-08T06:48:00.000-08:00

Well, here is a so-so picture of me and my growing belly at 20 weeks. Now that I'm at the halfway point I hope to make a concerted effort to take a belly picture every week, but we shall just see how that goes. Next week I'll wear something a bit more form-fitting so you can really see how much I've popped out there!

GIRL!

2009-01-05T18:22:00.001-08:00

A girl! You are a GIRL, and there is apparently no freaking doubt about it. The ultrasonographer even said 100%, which is a dangerous figure for her to throw around, no doubt.

I could put a picture here of your extra wee ladybits, just to extend the mortification to the entire internet, but I'll spare you...for now. Besides, I've got a nursery to plan and names to daydream about. After 5 months of "it" and "the baby" you are "her" and "she"! I can't even wrap my head around it quite yet.

Tomorrow I head back to work after a blissful break and I plan to drag Chris out of bed to take an official belly shot. Now that the belly is in full effect, and filled with squirming (seriously, you never stop moving. Ever.) little girl, we better document it!

A girl. My daughter. Holy crap.

Back from your first vacation.

2009-01-03T13:51:00.000-08:00

In spite of the looming money woes surrounding maternity leave Chris and I took a much needed trip to the beach after Christmas this year. After the agonizingly long drive, made longer by my insanely small bladder, it was five days of warm sunshine, cool breezes, and feeling weightless in the pool. Considering I look like I'm smuggling a beachball in my stretched-to-the-limit bathingsuit, weightless was awfully nice. We ate a lot of great seafood and continued our tradition of lobster tail, stone crab claws, and a nip of champagne on New Years Eve.

And you? You have not stopped moving for the past 807 hours. Right now it feels like you are practicing some sort of martial art in there. Chris was finally able to feel you this morning, he *thinks*, but I feel nothing BUT you. Active little thing, aren't you?

Whoopsie.

2008-12-09T05:53:00.000-08:00

It's been over a month! Oops. I would say that time has flown because I've been so busy or something, but really I've just been lazy and forgetful. So let's see, what's new in the past month...

I am FINALLY starting to show a little. As in, a belly that looks more pregnant and less fat. But it's still pretty small. I haven't gained any weight still and have a goal of 6 pounds by January 5th. Sadly, for the first time in my LIFE this seems like an impossible goal! Food is still a mystery to me. I eat it, but don't get enjoyment from it. Why I had to be blessed with this when I actually am encouraged to gain weight, I'll never know.

But anyway, the belly is coming along and your heartbeat is nice and strong. Next month we get to find out your gender, and make sure that you're growing as you should. I can't wait to see the ultrasound!

History!

2008-11-06T10:44:00.001-08:00

Well, I spent most of the month of October in California for work, it seemed, and I've returned to Tennessee just as fall is peaking. I can't quite believe that by next November you will be 6 months old and able to see the brilliant red orange that our maple tree turns every year. Unreal.

This was a momentous week, on both national and personal levels. We elected a man to be our next president who signifies a great change and new level of hope for our country. The moment I found out that Barack Obama would be our next president, 11:00pm on Tuesday November 4th, I let out a big sigh, a few tears, and was so thankful that you would be born while our country is ruled by such an amazing man. The very idea that Barack Obama will be the president you first remember as a child moves me beyond belief. We have a long way to go but suddenly things don't feel insurmountable. I am so proud.

This week we also heard your heartbeat, loud and STRONG. So strong that my OB remarked in a rather shocked way. You are superbaby, I am starting to think. I'm 11 weeks along now and this doctors appointment gave me such peace of mind and confidence that you are going to be okay. We both are.

In other pregnancy symptom news, I have developed a new (and I've been assured temporary) allergy to the nickel in gold. Meaning that in place of my wedding rings I have an angry red rash. Lovely. I also continue to have very little appetite, which was reflected in the scale at the doctors, I've lost 4 pounds in a month. I have a little extra weight so I'm not really concerned about it, but I do miss the pleasure of food. I have a new love for Orange Julius, though, and could happily live on those. Maybe they are a good source of vitamin C?

There you are!

2008-10-09T06:22:00.001-07:00

Just a little nugget of a thing, but "perfect" according to the doctor which was just what I needed to hear. Your due date is May 23rd but I'm sure you'll just take that as a suggestion. I celebrated a day of good news by eating everything in the world and I'm regretting it today. I feel bloated and sluggish, moreso than usual. But still, getting that good news was a relief like I couldn't believe. Rock on, baby.

Oh, I see.

2008-10-03T08:11:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was...not good. I felt sea sick, like I was rocking under waves of vague nausea and discomfort. I got into bed at 7:30 and while I didn't go to sleep, I didn't get up except to pee 234 times. Finally I was actually hungry and ate a plate of pierogies with onions, in bed, watching Mad Men on my fancy new iPod.

Today I learned about maternity leave and I'm seriously freaked out. I am glad that I've already bought my iPod treat because after today I am flat out panicking about money, about time, about everything. My hormones are In Control today and I'm too weak to fight.

Same.

2008-10-01T11:40:00.000-07:00

I'm still coughing, not much has changed. I have an approved inhaler that makes me all shakey which isn't really a fun trade-off for a cough-free hour at best. But I'm muddling through.

The appetite is still weird and getting to be unpleasant. For instance, the dumplings that sounded so good at lunchtime are now making me very burpey and icky feeling. Last night, in a fit of needing to make something for the bookclub I'm hosting this evening, I started making up a hearty mushroom stew that initially smelled and sounded wonderful. After an hour of cooking, though, I didn't even want to look at it. Is this how it's going to be now? Whereas before I didn't want anything at all, now I will want things only to not want them after all when it's too late? Tricky tricky baby.

One week until the doctors appointment where I hope to see the flicker of a heartbeat. I'm simultaneously excited and nervous.

I had no idea.

2008-09-29T09:49:00.000-07:00

I had no idea, for example, that if you were prone to asthmatic symptoms prior to getting knocked up, that wee lil' baby can make you 100x more prone to such symptoms. So, a mere cold turned into asthmatic bronchitis. I might have to stay on this inhaler for the duration of the winter. Other than the marginal aid of said inhaler, I pretty much have to suffer through it. Hmph.

It seems that the name I originally chose for this blog, which alluded to my very early cravings of orange cheese, is a misnomer. I don't crave Doritos now. I don't crave much of anything other than sleep and for this cough to go away. I am enjoying those little boxes of Horizon Organic Strawberry Milk but that doesn't have the ring to it that I was looking for. So, Doritos it is and Doritos it will be. Perhaps the craving will come back.

Had my first bit of ickiness this weekend. Cold clammy sweat, need to sit down, oh dear am I going to puke in the Co-op? Fun stuff remedied by a delicious sandwich from the Farmer's Market.

Things I would like to do before you're here.

2008-09-26T07:45:00.000-07:00

A running list...

1. get better at sewing
2. choose some knitting projects for winter
3. update the food blog with my favorite freezable and make-ahead meals
4. learn how to use my camera on manual
5. walk through all of the Pioneer Woman Photoshop Lessons
6. have yard sale (one week from tomorrow)
7. finish eBaying clothes, shoes, and bags
8. take loads of things we don't need and can't sell to Goodwill
9. Simplify.

Last night I cried...

2008-09-26T06:30:00.000-07:00

...during the Sex In The City movie. More than once. I think I'm blaming even renting the thing in the first place on you, baby, but the crying is definitely your fault. Oh, I cried when Carrie and Big got engaged the first time, I cried when he jilted her, I cried when Charlotte found out she's pregnant, I cried when Louise got her Louis (this was when I KNEW I was being insane), I cried when Louise left, when Steve and Miranda got back together, and when Carrie read Big's love letters. It was RIDICULOUS. Thank god Chris was away at band practice and Buster doesn't judge me. He just wanted to share my popcorn, anyway.

Warm milk with honey and nutmeg.

2008-09-24T06:09:00.000-07:00

This seems to be the magic help-me-sleep elixir, even if its effectiveness is mostly in my head. I really wish I had something to write about other than feeling incredibly tired, but I don't. I still don't have much of an appetite but managed to make a really nice pasta last night--roasted tomatoes, mushrooms, and fresh Italian sausage from the Farmer's Market.

While we probably eat a 90% organic diet already it is more important to me than ever to eat food that is whole and good and not scary (the latest thing scaring me--dairy from China). I've always eaten lots of good fruits and vegetables but of course I'm having to force myself to eat much at all. The good news is that Honeycrisp Apples, my #1 favorite, are back in season and in the stores, though they seem to be running nearly $3 for a huge apple. Oh well, it's worth it.

Where are the cravings?

2008-09-23T07:39:00.000-07:00

I know they are coming, they have to be. And for a week or two I was all about the Doritos, hence the name of this blog. But for the past week I'm lucky if I want to eat anything at all. I'm not nauseous, not yet, but yet nothing is appealing to me. I'm hungry, but nothing sounds good to eat. Last night I made a lovely dinner (halibut with slow-roasted tomatoes, a simple brown rice risotto, wilted spinach), and it was the first thing that tasted good to me in days. I inhaled it, and thank goodness I did because that piece of halibut ran me $20 and ate up a big part of my food budget for the week. It was SO good, though. I ought to write about that on the other blog, the food blog that people actually read.

But in the mean time, where is my appetite? I have noticed that I can't wait until I get to work to eat my breakfast, as I normally do. So I've been eating a bran muffin with my morning cup of tea while I get ready at home. I eat it mechanically, like it's made of sawdust, even though it's quite good--rife with raisins and molasses. Even better with a salty pat of butter. Then I come in to work and make myself eat my morning yogurt (today it was Emmi Raspberry) and a piece of fruit--a huge honeycrisp apple. Lunch is painful because usually I am ruled by what appeals to me, so today I just packed my favorite black bean and quinoa salad. Even if I have to force myself to eat it, it's tasty and extremely good for me.

I am sure that in a week or two I'll look back at this time and just laugh and laugh. I'll probably tear the face off the vending machine in order to get to the Doritos. But until then I am kind of stymied, because I am a girl who loves food. I love it! But not right now.

In other news, I slept the sleep of the dead last night. A big mug of warm milk with honey and nutmeg and half a Benadryl gave me the relief I needed. I am still tired at work but nowhere near the zombie I was yesterday.

You MUST let me sleep.

2008-09-22T09:05:00.000-07:00

OH FINE. My post was just erased.

In Praise of the Bella Band.

2008-09-19T06:02:00.000-07:00

Let's see, according to the helpful weekly updates I get, the adorable bundle of cells is organizing (go union!), growing cell layers, and getting seriously cozy in Ye Olde Uterine Lining. And you are less than a millimeter long, my adorable blastocyst! Do you know how tiny a millimeter is?? Having nothing to compare it to, being a brand new thing, I guess not. It's very small. And so, you must realize how incredibly ridiculous it is that my pants are too tight. Ridiculous! At this point I am gestating a 4-month gas baby.

Enter the Bella Band, a remarkably simple yet necessary band of stretchy fabric that enables me to leave my top jeans button unbuttoned. OH GLORIOUS FREEDOM. Seriously, this is the best thing about today, the Bella Band.

Not the best thing? Bananas and their disgusting banananess and mushy texture. Gag me. Oh, and the heartburn that I had last night was MOST UNCIVILIZED. I promise to not eat frozen Chicken Tikka Masala any more, just please let me sleep.

Too sick to notice.

2008-09-18T13:52:00.000-07:00

I have a terrible cold. Terrible! Oh, adorable bundle of cells, this cold is getting the better of me. But really, it is making me appreciate the modern miracle that is over-the-counter medicine. Nyquil! Sudafed! Advil Cold & Sinus! None of which I can take!

I mentioned before that I am medicating myself with the Neti Pot, orange juice, and wishes, but we've upped the ante today. Today your father, (remind me to tell you more about him later), brought me chicken broth, Vicks Vaporub, and Vitamin Water! And Snicker's Ice Cream bars which I assure you is an ancient homeopathic remedy. I have slept most of the day, tried to do some work, and I'm rereading Twilight. Yes, nothing but the best for you.

Because of the dastardly cold I am not noticing much on the pregnancy symptom front. Well, other than my front, which is spilling out of its bra and HURTS. And the plague of gas continues. I burp every minute. Every sip of water is followed by multiple burps. So special.

I think I have to go back to bed now and rub myself down with Vicks Vaporub and read more about the tortured teenaged vampire Edward.

The first.

2008-09-17T03:09:00.001-07:00

This is the first of a million or more days. A million days of hope, fear, love, happiness, and wonder. This is the day I found out I was pregnant.

But first, last week. I had been running around in the chunky, strappy sandals that are so popular this year, and when I got home from work I realized they were so tight on my normally quite slender feet that the straps had left a mark. And my wedding rings were tight on my finger and the soft, squishy skin on my stomach had risen over my waistband like a tube of refrigerated biscuits when first opened. I was a vision.

Last weekend, I opened up a chicken for roasted and nearly fell over from the sick smell of it. Turns out it had actually gone a bit off but I was so grossed out that I'm having trouble eating poultry at all. All I want are Doritos, much to my dismay. Delicious, salty, crunchy, alarmingly orange Doritos.

It's five days before my period is due but I like peeing on money so I decided to take a pregnancy test just for fun. This is the fifth month of trying to get pregnant, which is just long enough to really get used to seeing that negative test. Imagine my shock when that second line starts forming immediately, like, "Oh lady, you are REALLY pregnant, no need to wait 5 minutes!" Shock quickly turns to giddiness as I quickly go shove something I've just peed on under Chris' nose. Such a magic time.

Of course, I've also got a cold. A cold that I would normally self medicated liberally with Nyquil and hot toddies and instead am treating with a Neti pot, orange juice, and hope. I am a snot factory who wants Doritos and has really awful gas. And I can't sleep. I am truly a vision to behold.

But oh, I'm so happy. I can't wait for every step along the way. I'm barely 4 weeks pregnant according to the nurse at my doctor's office, and my first appointment isn't until closer to 7 weeks, when we can hopefully see the heartbeat on my first ultrasound. 3 weeks seems SO far away, so long to hold off on telling anyone, but I know at some point I will look back on this time and feel like it flew by. I can't wait.